when you turn to tiktok for fun and it hits painfully too close home.

One of the great things about taking the train to work everyday is there is an exact schedule to your life. If I don’t make it to the train station by 6:20 am, then you are screwed and have to stand around in the cold for an hour. Of course one of the few good things about 2020 is that there is no train and my commute from bed to desk is 3 ft. But then that spend way too much time watching tiktok and moping around the house.

This morning I was watching tiktok and I came a across this tiktok video:

@elementarywithem
Does crying in your room count as ✨self care✨ #thereality #virtualteaching #teachertok #crying #tryingtostaypositive
♬ Emotional Piano Instrumental In E Minor – Tom Bailey Backing Tracks

It hit too close to home.

For my first years at Adelphi I did a lot of teaching. One semester, I even had 18 credits. I saw my students all the time. I was there to help them develop their physics skills, life skills, and career skills. I felt like an coach. Sometimes, I pushed them. Sometimes, they pushed me. I could read an facial expression and know someone is in trouble and needed help.

Now as chair and in the time of COVID, I feel constrained. As a chair, I don’t get to see students that much because I only teach a limited amount. I get the students as freshman and at the end as seniors, but don’t really see them in the middle. I feel like there are students in the middle that I can help.

I can’t see when they are struggling, but I know they are. I just can’t help. I don’t know who needs it. The students hide their faces in classes and meetings. And of course that is if you are lucky enough to have a meeting with them.

I was chatting with a friend last night and he asked how things at work were going. At first, I wanted to say want I always say, Wonderful, but I have a few students I am really worried about. The reality is in the distant 2020 Zoom University, the barrier of having a computer between us has done something to the connection between me and the students. I honestly can’t tell what they need and how I can help them. So my answer to my friend was, I know folks are struggling, but oddly they are not sharing their burden with me.

I wish I could cry like the teacher in the tiktok. I feel for her. Instead I just feel like a have a giant rain cloud hanging over me, making me feel like I am not doing enough to help. I feel like I should do more. I just don’t know what to do.